On Becoming Useless…
In 2014, I was hit by a car in a rather “classic” hit-and-run while exiting a biking trail. While the damage definitely could have been a lot worse, what did happen was bad enough, nasty scarring on my right calf for one, some lacerations, some bruises, and most significantly, a severe herniation of the L5/S1 disc that required emergency surgery.
My surgeon for the procedure was excellent, explaining that this was as close to a routine surgery of the spine as you can have. But even then, she also told me that it was never going to completely heal. I was never going to go back to what I was. It was merely a matter of sustaining function as long as I could before the inevitable.
A sign of that inevitability came this morning, as I was informed that I would be given “lifelong” restrictions at my day job. There are going to be elements of what I did that I shouldn’t ever do again for the sake of my health (and ability to walk).
It’s… been a blow, to be honest. I did everything I could to avoid having this meeting, because I knew this was what I was going to hear. I spent most of my adult life trying to be the guy that you could count on, that could do anything you needed. And now I can’t. Now I get to be lumped in with the stigma of “lazy” people.
“If you can do [x], why can’t you do [y]?”
“If you can do [y] for twenty minutes, why can’t you do it for eight hours?”
Here in the US of A, this is part of the “working man” motif, and not even I am immune to it. Even if by all rationality, I should be celebrating this good thing… I can’t. I’m no longer the “good worker.” I can’t be. Now I’m the “useless worker,” the “lazy” one.
And it hurts.
It’s probably going to hurt for a while, at least until a new normal sets in.
Here’s hoping.
TKO Creations 
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